So I just saw Pocahontas-I mean, Ferngully-I mean, Atlantis: The Lost Empire-I mean, the Last Samurai-I mean, Avatar. …yeah, that’s the one.
If you really feel the need to see this movie, download it or rent it. Don’t pay for it. It’s not worth the money. Not even the price of a movie ticket.
Or if you’ve already seen Dances with Wolves then you can just skip it and spend your time doing something productive, like jerking off.
I actually wouldn’t have such issues with the months of October to January if all of the holidays that take place in those three months would stick to their respective days in each month or maybe even just the week that they reside in. However, I think we all know how the Fourth-Quarter-Celebratory-Blitzkrieg goes. Halloween isn’t just the 31st of October, that’s just when kids actually go around getting candy(which has become totally nutless now, but that’s another rant entirely). Halloween now starts anywhere from two to three weeks before that with the decorations, the hype, costume discussions and the haunted fucking houses which aren’t even scary in the least bit. As soon as the season of Halloween is over, its November and its basically rinse and repeat with Thanksgiving. The 4th-grade art-class grade decorative turkeys, the little pilgrim and indian salt and pepper shakers that smile and shake hands while sharing food, all the talk about being thankful for this or that whatever and the mass family gatherings that need to be planned to a T.
And do we get a breather after Thanksgiving? No. We don’t. Not even enough to digest the massive amount of poultry we just consumed. Its right out into the yard with you to put up the lights(GODDAMNIT, I FUCKING HATE PUTTING UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! HATE! Oh, and those people who puts thousands upon thousands of lights in their yard and then program them in sequence to their favorite christmas songs?! Those people are fucking sick in the head! They need to be put out of their misery! Really, you’d be doing them a favor!). To top it off, you have everything that leads up to Thanksgiving all over again except now there’s aggressive-looking brush in random places around the house and there’s bright reds and white everywhere instead of earth colors. Oh, and lets not forget the music. The inescapable, monotonous barrage of Christmas music from every single motherfucking source you could possibly imagine. Its on the radio. Its playing over the loudspeakers at the grocery store. That asshole in the next cubicle you only find tolerable during the rest of the year? That motherfucker is whistling ‘Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.’ Its playing on the radio again the whole way home and just when you think you’re safe, you hear ‘Joy to the World’ being sung outside your door by a group of intolerable twats in imitation victorian dress, thinking they’re doing you such a great service on the longest night of the year to sing to you the same fucking shit you’ve been trying to avoid the whole day like the fucking plague(and it is a plague).
And then New Year’s. Well, all this amounts to is an all-night drinking binge with a short break to stare at a TV screen while a bunch of one-upping cock-bites in New York City drop the world’s biggest disco ball to count down the seconds to the first of January(as if to build up the dread for all the world’s conspiracy theorists and apocalypse-fetishists while they wait for the planet to spontaneously explode for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever, only to be met with disappointment that the universe decided to make them look like an asshole for another 365 consecutive days) before going back to drinking heavily and trying to start off the new year by getting laid. Granted, this in itself actually sounds like a really good idea, but who in their right fucking mind would willingly engage in such an activity after being mentally, physically and psychologically drained from the last three months of shit they had to put up with?
Now, I understand the sociological reason for having holiday celebrations on specific dates. It plants a concrete point in the year for such things to make time for them between all our other responsibilities. However, this is just madness(no, just shut up).
So what would I do if I could to make this all better for everyone? Simple. We would celebrate New Year’s with Halloween’s decorations, import the huge amounts of food from Thanksgiving and Christmas, give each other presents, get liquored the fuck up and all get laid.
Why exactly is it that our President won a Nobel fucking Peace Prize? Why do we even give out an award based on some arbitrary standard of someone’s contribution to the world in some bullshit area of smiles, hugs and puppy kisses anyways? Its stupid.
However, if you’re going to accept that premise, then what exactly has President Starbucks done to deserve one? He’s accomplished nothing of what he said he was going to do during the campaign. Nothing. The only thing he has actually managed to do is spend 800 billion dollars to accomplish absolutely dick. He’s done nothing else except make appearances on Letterman and run his fucking mouth(managing to say precisely jack shit).
I really need a good answer for this. Its still driving me absolutely insane.
Today Couch and I took an in depth look at an old hate of ours and the new drama surrounding it. Bluefirewith and Prince Lord Chris, we hate you still. See, apparently I was supposed to forget that they got my original account banned, well I didn’t.
