This movie was physically painful to watch as well as psychologically taxing. I feel older and less intelligent for having put up this 90 minute cinematic abomination. This movie is the perfect example of a little thing TVTropes likes to call the “Idiot Plot.” It can only occur to begin with because every single fucking character in the movie is a moron.
The only person in the main cast that approaches funny is DJ Qualls, and he still doesn’t get it. The only person in this movie who was funny was Jeff Dunham, who plays himself with a different name for about two minutes. The banditos kidnap him from a hotel in Cancun and make him perform for them at gunpoint with his puppet, Jose Jalapeno On A Stick. Jeff keeps trying to keep his captors entertained while Jose keeps cracking Mexican jokes until the gang’s leader shoots the puppet and Jeff passes out from shock. I hope he got paid more than everyone else in this shitfest did. He was certainly a lot funnier.
At least it didn’t show me Larry’s asscrack…again…
Fuck you, Lionsgate for producing this shit. Fuck you, Bear Aderhold and Thomas F.X. Sullivan for writing it.
Surprisingly enough, I’m not really sure this movie deserves to be considered “bad”. Don’t get me wrong, its certainly not a good movie, but aside from a couple completely unnecessary shots of Larry’s asscrack and a man who can’t ever seem to grasp the idea of a shirt with sleeves being employed as a health inspector, it doesn’t really have anything dragging it into the dirt.
The writing doesn’t suck, the production itself was competently done and nobody in the cast really sucks at acting(most of them aren’t exactly good at it, though, either). C- work, really.
Wait, what am I talking about? They showed me Larry the Cable Guy’s asscrack. Twice.
People still think Teddy Roosevelt was a good president.
Suburban people.
Venom energy drink.
People who cut me off in traffic.
Command and Conquer 4.
Steve Jobs.
Suicide.
Murder.
And people cutting me off in traffic.
SCUMBAG OF THE WEEK
That’s right, its time for our newest segment, Scumbag of the Week, where I line up three examples of fantastic scumbaggery and decide with one is the worst.
1. Wanda Holloway of Houston, Texas, who hired a hitman to kill her daughter’s cheerleading tryout rival. Lovely.
Source: http://www.texnews.com/texas97/mom030197.html
2. The prosecutor for Gresham, Oregon prosecuting Roger Witter for chasing a pair of thieves out of the iPhone store and shooting at their car to blow out the tires and, you know, stop a theft in progress. “Those two rounds could have gone anywhere; in fact, we’re still not sure where they went…” says the arresting officer. Well, then he probably hit the fucking target, didn’t he?
Source: http://www.kptv.com/news/23680215/detail.html
3. Our final nominee is a several-way tie between the lawyers from the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fun who representing 16 illegal immigrants in a case against an Arizona rancher who stopped them at gunpoint and turned them over to the Border Patrol. Yes. I’m totally fucking serious.
Source:http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/feb/09/16-illegals-sue-arizona-rancher/?page=1
The votes have been counted, recounted and re-recounted just in case Al Gore decides to bitch and we have our winner…
Alexander Hamilton, you fucking assmongrel! You weren’t even in the running and you stole first place! “But, Couch, what’s so bad about Alexander Hamilton?” Aside from being responsible for the Bank of the United States, the earliest version of the Federal Reserve in American history, advocated for importing the British mercantilist system, protectionism and was an all-around authoritarian fuckhead? That’s why he wins.
That’s right. The United Nations is trying it’s hand at gun control now.
Oh, but that’s not even the most disgusting part of this. The most disgusting part is what President Starbucks comes on air to talk about whatever bill that will be put through Congress because of this. He’ll say he didn’t want to go back on his campaign promise to not regulate firearm ownership, but he has a responsibility to the international community or to abide by international law. Either way, its not his fault. His hand has been forced.
The movie opens with an old clip of some news anchor saying that people with heart conditions or are easily upset should not watch this. Does that give me an excuse?
The opening credits are set to security tapes of bank robberies. You’re not clever, Michael Moore. After the credits, Michael Moore asks, trying to be poignant, if future civilizations will judge us by youtube videos of cats flushing toilets or people being thrown out of their house because they can’t afford it. Yes, that’s such a terrible thing. How dare they demand to be paid for their product and put “hard-working, middle-class people” out of their homes.
Michael Moore then goes and talks to this real-estate guy in Florida who runs a company called “Condo Vultures.” They deal only with people who buy foreclosed homes; at -GASP- a profit! Oh noes! The editing when they’re talking to this guy is particularly disgusting. I wonder how badly they butchered their interview with this guy to make him look like a total scumbag when he’s just another entrepreneur who’s providing a service that his clients want.
Guess who’s next? Wallace Shawn. Yeah, that’s right. Vizzini from The Princess Bride. Nobody gives a fuck what he has to say about this shit. Fuck you.
And this is just the first 21 minutes of the movie.
To summarize the rest of the bullshit, it includes Michael Moore pulling some small, regional company airline pilots in front of the camera to talk about their low salaries, having clergymen in the catholic church call capitalism a “sin,” invoking WWJD(yeah, seriously), whining that the top 1% of the population have more than the bottom 95% combined(no fucking shit, Captain Obvious. Grow the fuck up.), going to the capitol to read the US Constitution to look for the part that says the United States of America is a capitalist country and only pointing out the “more perfect union” line and the general welfare clause(you know, one of the big loopholes in the document they use to justify the government doing whatever the fuck it wants?), saying that lack of financial restrictions will cause a crisis in mere years, saying the word “democracy” like it will ward off evil spirits(shaped like dollar signs, no doubt), dragging a grouchy old fuck in indiana who’s having to leave his home because he can’t afford it saying that he understands the people who go crazy and shoot up banks and workplaces with guns and homemade bombs because the people they kill “deserve whatever they get”, calling the “housing crisis” a calculated financial coup de’tat by the big financial companies, driving an armored car around New York to the aforementioned companies to take back the money and make citizen’s arrests, showing a group of people who cut down “for sale” signs off of foreclosed homes and then just move people back in(while the house is still the property of the bank) and surrounded the New York Stock Exchange with crime scene tape.
There is one good part of this movie. Just one. Michael Moore is asking people as they come out of the Stock Exchange to explain what a “derivative” is. When nobody talks to him, he says, “I’m just trying to get a little advice” and someone off-camera responds, “Don’t make any more movies.” That is what we refer to here on the Internet as “being owned.”
Fuck this movie. Fuck Michael Moore.
Oh and before I go, the chick from Paramore(“Who the fuck is Paramore?” I hear you asking. Its okay, they’re not important) accidentally…ugh, “tweeted” her tits. She then claim she “got hacked.” They’re not really worth looking at if you ask me, but I might as well share the lulz. You can find it here: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hayley_Williams
At least its better than watching Capitalism: A Love Story.
