superangrymonkey

Today She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed and I went to Wal-Mart to do our grocery shopping, this isn’t something that happens often, it was more of one of those “We need to get some shit right now” spur of the moment kind of things. Well we did our shopping and it was an experience in and of itself while dealing with the kinds of subhumans that populate a Georgia Wal-Mart. I expect those kinds of things by now as I am sure most of you with any kind of a realistically functioning imagination or personal experience do too. Thus I am not going to expound on the traveling about and collecting our foodstuffs itself. Nay, I say, we are going to expound on what happened afterward in an incident that will hereafter be referred to as “Eggtastic Wal-Mart Day.”

We waited in one of the fifty cashier’s lines (only five were open.) for awhile trying to decide the best way to split an atom (not really) and then I laid eyes on the person that old Sam Wal-Mart entrusted to handle my money and ensure that I keep comin’ on back to his store. Remember when I said that the majority of the people who seem to shop at my local Wal-Mart are subhumans? Don’t get me wrong, when I say subhuman I mean it in the nicest possible, eww get the fuck away from me you freak, whatever you have might be catching, kind of way.

Truthfully this woman had a face that I can only describe as “battered”. She looked like a duck had sex with a frog and then they decided to beat the living fuck out of the offspring. Her teeth were affixed in a ridiculous caricature of an overbite and her goblinoid appearance was enhanced by the fact that her buttery yellows looked like Stonehenge after an earthquake. Her unwashed and uncombed, I believe largely uncared for mop chilling on top of her disgusting head was salt-and-pepper colored marking her as middle aged. I mean she seriously looked like a Halloween costume gone wrong.

We started the process of ritualistically ringing up all of the things that we had bought and soon enough the eighteen eggs we wanted came up to be snacked. This troll of a human being gets an even more impossibly stupid look on its face and picks up the phone to PRICECHECK the fucking eggs!!!

How the fuck can you work at a grocery store or a place that sells food and not know the prices of the basic foodstuffs? My mind tried wrapping itself around the eternally elusive answer to that question as the freak looks at us and says “Do you remember how much the eggs cost?”

Something vile and poisonous got into me then and I started silently making fun of her while she wasn’t looking. She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

“Shut up.” She said, glaring at me. “I can’t believe she has to have someone check on the eggs.”

“Are you really surprised?” I asked, slowly morphing my face into a cruel parody of the duck/frog troll’s.

All in all it was a very amusing trip.

Have a nice day.

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I could write an intellectual diatribe about the problems with the world. I could talk more about myself and how I ended up being so bitter and jaded. I could write an epic poem about some hero that exists only in my own mind, surely as I fill up a blank sheet of paper with my thoughts I could. It’s kind of sickening when you think about it to realize that with all of the things I could do I choose to expend so much of my time and energy insulting fucking retards. Well, sickening in a laboratory setting because I totally fucking love every minute of it.

Alright kids, today we’re going to talk about why I am doing this. There have been people compliments amid the slew of insults regarding me as an intellectual. I don’t harbor any grandiose notions such as that about myself but I do know that I spend much more of my time using the old grey matter than a lot of people. Some people even call my paranoid and tell me that I think too much. Don’t get me wrong, I am a far cry from a conspiracy theorist but if having an inherent mistrust of what people are planning to do especially when in regards to my life, liberty, and property means that I am paranoid then so be it. I think it is great that so many people out there are trying to hang onto wherever this superangrymonkey train is headed. It makes me glad to know that there are so many people out there who are still concerned about staying free.

The point that I am getting to here is that in addition to verbally assaulting stupid people and jerking off my own brains with my sick sense of humor/horror there are a lot of reasons why I do what I do here and on youtube. The first one is that I like it. If I didn’t like what I was doing I wouldn’t do it. It makes me feel good to do it and it lets out some of the everyday stress that eats at me. I like to be able to have the cathartic release of being able to tell old people to go fuck themselves, flail around like a retard, scream obscenities at the top of my lungs at strangers, and worse. Final summation; if I hated it, or if it made me angry all the time I wouldn’t do it.

Another reason for the birth of the superangrymonkey is that I have waited for years for an opportunity like this to wage a geurilla war with all of the things in this world that I see as stupid and trivial. I know that sounds shallow but hey, this is my website and you can go fuck yourself. I think it is hilarious that half of the shit I say makes people so angry that they have to resort to cursing and sputter and telling me how retarded I am. Even better is when people try to tell me that I am stupid and really putting together well thought out missives about it. Here’re some facts for you to peruse at your leisure before writing your next hate filled little vitriol charged attempt to PWNOMGWTFBBQ!!!oneeleven me. I don’t care what you think about me. No matter what you say you can’t hurt my feelings. I laugh at all of these comments, all of them.

A big reason why I do this is its fun. I’m like an internet superhero out there for all of the people who are too afraid or embarrassed to say the things that I say to people. As much as I am indifferent to people’s opinions of me I get a little twinge of glee whenever I get those comments that say things like “UR MAI FUKIN HERO D00D!!!” That makes me smile.

So you can see, I’m still an asshole but at least I’m multifaceted.
Have a nice day

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Just when I thought that I couldn’t possibly hate people any more than I do on a regular basis I catch wind of a news article that makes me reassess the value that I place on human beings, and put them in even lower esteem. The article I am talking about which can be found HERE is about two women who have decided to become sterile in order to save the environment. The first woman, a retard by the name of Toni Vernelli rejected the call of her species when she aborted a baby because they are “not eco-friendly.” I have to tell you all something. I totally support her abortion and her sterilizing herself. As far as I’m concerned that is just one less fucking lunatic out there in the world polluting our species, fuck the planet I’m talking about major annoyances here.

I consider an eco-nut like this a sort of social tumor. A woman with nothing outstanding about her who, in a desperate attempt to mean something to the little movement that she so desperately clings to, sacrifices a child (One point for Toni) and ensures that she will not breed future fuck ups. You couldn’t pay me enough money to keep this story quiet, it’s priceless.

The article goes on to talk about another woman who lives on the green side of life who is refusing to have babies because of the damage that they do to the earth. I can’t believe that there would be more than one but it’s true. I’ll bet these people go out of their way to save animals too. Lol. However; she didn’t get sterilized, her husband got snipped. HAHAHA

I guess this article leads me to need to talk about how I feel about abortion. I think that abortion is wrong. However, I am pro-choice because while I think it is wrong and would never encourage someone who got filled with my spunk to get one I do not think it is right for me to decide what is right and wrong for someone else. That being said I do hate people and any time a fucking nut decides it is a good idea that they don’t breed for whatever the reason is cool in my book. I hope more of those crazy bastards decide it is a good idea that they do not contribute to the species. YAY.

Have a nice day

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Last night I had the honor/privilege (honivlege?) of being a guest on the Studio 1714 talk show. I’ll be honest with you all, I didn’t think that I was going to be nearly as phenomenally awesome as I was but let me tell you the monkey was at peak form. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised that the guys on the show John, Steve, and the Hippie Conservative let me really get some words in edgewise during the show but I definitely had the chance to get all of my opinions on the topics that we were talking about out on the table.

The show itself had a very cool vibe. It was very much like talking to a bunch of friends more than anything to be nervous or scared about. The Hippie Conservative seemed hell bent on probing me about atheism. I obliged and totally unsurprisingly, like any debate about atheism or it’s validity with a theist, no ground was gained on either side.

We did talk about a college student getting tasered for refusing to remove his hat in a courtroom. The dumbass compared the court asking him to remove his hat to asking a king to remove his crown. The show went on from there as we pummeled the hell out of a lot of interesting topics ranging from the theory of evolution to the Supreme Court hearing on the banning of guns in Washington D.C.

In true superangrymonkey form I even got another caller who happens to be a super douche Christian nut to threaten to kill me live on the air, it was as they used to say in California in the 80’s “totally radical dude.”

Of course, you need only go to the flint talk radio station at http://www.flinttalkradio.com to hear the whole hour and a half of live superangrymonkey action.

It is pretty badass, have a nice day.

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