superangrymonkey

I’m sick of tree huggers. Trees are a resource. Let’s kill all of them, but then again people are resource too. Let’s get started on the species too. As honestly arousing as that thought is there is something special about your average tree hugger. Not just the mild retardation and the smell of B.O mixed with hash brownies. I think they also make outstanding targets when you want to test out a new firearm. The complain that we’ll destroy the homes of all of the cute and firry forest creatures. Thus, all hippies are furries.

How’s that for inductive reasoning?

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There is no reason that I need to hate people more than I already do. However, there are reasons everywhere. Take for example, the other day my wife told me that Michael Jackson died and I could only think “well it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” yeah that was horrible right? Well I honestly thought that it would be the end of it. In no way did I think there would be anything anyone else had to say about the whole thing. Oh my god, I was wrong. I was looking at the internets and I read what some woman had to say about it. In her mind he was always innocent and will lament forever on what he”did for music.” What exactly?

Now I know this is gonna kick some people in the teeth but he was never really that good. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Sorry but that’s the way it is. It was high budget recycled pop music. You could make the argument that maybe, just maybe, in the beginning he did something no one had seen before but come on. In the last thirty years what has Michael Jackson done other than buy the Beatle’s royalties that means anything to music? Unless of course you count the way that he made little boys sing.

No offense really but fuck you people. How much more proof do you actually need? He was found innocent in a court of law right? Well you know how much stock I put in the State and I’m sorry but the guy got away with it and I guess it will take twenty years until those kids cash on a book deal to prove it. Like his music or not the guy was a freak and that’s why I say good fucking riddance. I wonder if he’s biodegradable.

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Don’t believe for a minute that there is a bright light at the end of the road. A lot of people have told me that somehow by actually living my life I am wasting my life. Counter-productive logic not withstanding let’s discuss why they think these things. The first and foremost reason is that they are hung up on a god or whatever. Let me be the first one to tell you that I absolutely do not care at all one way or the other what you believe in and I certainly am not going to pretend being concerned with what I view as a waste of your life by dedicating yourself to a fictional being or beings but I definitely do not go out of my way to tell you so.

Now it isn’t only religious people that do this I have found that there are a lot of people with a lot of stupd ideas about the way that the world works that think that if you aren’t living up to their fantasy that you are somehow a bad person and you are wasting your life. Step one in not being a pretentious moron is first realising that your code of conduct, philosophy, rituals, religion, or fuck even the way you bang your woman is totally your thing and no one else has to do it exactly like you. If that were the case I’d have all of you make your spouses call you Baskin, believe it. Without shame or remorse you’d have your lover’s naked and writhing sweating body calling out my name and I don’t give a damn what gender they are because I’m a narcissistic fuck that fully believes I deserve worship and admiration in every thing that I do.

The last reason is that they have wasted their own lives and deep down when all of the bullshit is said and done they know it. It must be a damn sad feeling.

Have a nice day.

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So spin on this. There is this guy down the road who sells supposedly fresh vegetables and boiled peanuts. Now, let me be the first to say that the prospect of eating boiled peanuts or even the idea that they did such a thing never occurred to me before I moved here and even when I saw them the idea of eating one was even less appealing. However, I tried them once and now I am hooked like a damn crack addict. It takes a real man to admit that he loves the taste of hot salty nuts in his mouth and I’ll never be ashamed of it again but back to the point.

This guy’s little vegetable stand is the absolute bottom rung of anything ever anywhere. The tomatoes look like they are red pulsing brains that someone infected with some genetically enhanced supervirus and the cabbage and lettuce are even worse. To be truthful the only reason I would buy a vegetable from this place is to throw it in a cage in my house somewhere to see if it grows limbs and becomes carnivorous but the guy had a saving grace, or so I thought. There were two gigantic pots boiling and inside was the Ambrosia, the food of the gods. Frank commands me to eat those delicious motherfuckers every time I see them so I had no choice but to buy the small bag, which is not small at all incidentally, score right, wrong.

They were vile, they were a cruel mockery of the joyous earthen booger that I have come to know and love more than I love cherry cheesecake. I cried out to the heavens and threw the bag down on the ground not managing to keep the tapestry of obscenities from worming its way out of my mouth and unloading itself onto the sensibilities of everyone around. Vegetable guy stares at me blankly as if this spectacle was not enough for him to understand my displeasure and he laughs and says “Yankees don’t like em much.”

Fuck you cracker, I LOVE boiled peanuts it isn’t my fault that you still live with your mom and try to make a living by selling a pantomime a parody, a god damned joke of something I love and if you base that shit on something as stupid as the patch of dirt I grew up on there is a reason why Georgetown was never in the cards for you, because you are a shit for brains redneck fuck and I wish only the worst things in life happen to you. Cocksmoker.

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