superangrymonkey

(03:59:47 PM) baskin: http://media-2.web.britannica.com/eb-media/14/70114-004-84279539.gif
(03:59:55 PM) baskin: that’s a skeleton sled
(04:00:02 PM) baskin: you ride that motherfucker
(04:00:04 PM) baskin: face first
(04:00:09 PM) baskin: down a bob sled track
(04:00:17 PM) baskin: at over 80 mph
(04:00:50 PM) baskin: no straps
(04:00:54 PM) baskin: no buckles
(04:00:58 PM) baskin: just two handrails
(04:01:09 PM) baskin: GO for the gold
(04:01:15 PM) baskin: when they crash
(04:01:18 PM) baskin: fucking bodies FLY
(04:02:07 PM) baskin: best olympic event ever
(04:02:17 PM) baskin: evar couch
(04:02:35 PM) AlmightyMobile: rofl
(04:02:58 PM) AlmightyMobile: What kind of psychotic, fucking overdeveloped cumshot thinks this is a good idea?
(04:03:07 PM) baskin: morons who want the gold
(04:03:17 PM) baskin: morons with huge testicles
(04:03:28 PM) AlmightyMobile: That have been swapped with their brains
(04:04:37 PM) baskin: so?
(04:04:42 PM) baskin: they are willing to DIE
(04:04:45 PM) baskin: for our amusement
(04:04:54 PM) baskin: that’s fucking Sparta right there
(04:05:19 PM) AlmightyMobile: lol
(04:05:23 PM) AlmightyMobile: And I’ll watch and laugh
(04:05:35 PM) AlmightyMobile: But that still doesn’t mean I have to have any respect for them
(04:05:38 PM) AlmightyMobile: Because they’re morons
(04:05:46 PM) baskin: no
(04:05:50 PM) baskin: I have no respect for them
(04:05:56 PM) baskin: but
(04:06:01 PM) baskin: watch and laugh?
(04:06:03 PM) baskin: yes
(04:06:09 PM) AlmightyMobile: Especially considering the prize at the end
(04:06:18 PM) AlmightyMobile: “A gold medal? …for THAT?”
(04:06:36 PM) baskin: lol
(04:06:37 PM) AlmightyMobile: “Fuck you. Give me a million bucks and cover my hospital bills and I’ll give it a go.”
(04:06:45 PM) baskin: like one go
(04:07:00 PM) baskin: skeleton sledders don’t get mad bitches
(04:07:09 PM) baskin: they don’t get on wheaties boxes
(04:07:39 PM) baskin: so the point literally is
(04:07:44 PM) baskin: I’m risking my life
(04:07:47 PM) baskin: for a gold medal
(04:07:52 PM) AlmightyMobile: Just “FAEM UN GLOREH”
(04:07:56 PM) baskin: yeah
(04:08:00 PM) AlmightyMobile: And a high chance of having your nose meet your own ass
(04:08:06 PM) baskin: that is Sparta
(04:08:10 PM) baskin: bet on it
(04:08:23 PM) AlmightyMobile: I disagree
(04:08:31 PM) AlmightyMobile: This is HURRDURRHURRHURRDURRHURR
(04:09:00 PM) baskin: best sport ever
(04:09:01 PM) AlmightyMobile: IMMA GO FAST MOMMA
(04:09:02 PM) baskin: shh
(04:09:15 PM) AlmightyMobile: IMMA GIT ME A GOLD
(04:09:16 PM) baskin: LOOK NO HANDS
OH SHI-
(04:09:37 PM) AlmightyMobile: THEN YEW WUNT HIT MEH WIT A RUBBAH HOSE AN CALL MEH A RETAHD
(04:09:56 PM) baskin: skeleton
(04:10:00 PM) baskin: the sport of champions
(04:10:13 PM) baskin: I swear
(04:10:19 PM) baskin: the olympics was leik
(04:10:28 PM) baskin: “We need a sport more dangerous than bobsledding”
(04:10:37 PM) AlmightyMobile: LOL
(04:10:39 PM) baskin: “What?”
(04:11:02 PM) baskin: “Well Ron already turned down the flaming sticks being shot up each other’s asses one.”
(04:11:11 PM) baskin: “That was a great idea too.”
(04:11:29 PM) baskin: “So what do we do? We need more of a bodycount”
(04:11:48 PM) baskin: “I have an idea!”
(04:11:55 PM) baskin: “Do tell.”
(04:12:01 PM) AlmightyMobile: “LET’S PUT PEOPLE ON A COOKING TRAY WITH HANDRAILS ON IT”
(04:12:14 PM) baskin: “You can’t call it a cooking tray though.”
(04:12:14 PM) AlmightyMobile: “AND HAVE THEM RUN A BOBSLED COURSE”
(04:12:17 PM) baskin: “Shit
(04:12:25 PM) baskin: “We’ll call it a skeleton sled.”
(04:12:31 PM) baskin: “GENIUS!”
(04:12:33 PM) AlmightyMobile: “YES”
(04:12:36 PM) AlmightyMobile: “I LOVE IT”
(04:12:50 PM) baskin: “This way death is plied”
(04:12:53 PM) baskin: implied*
(04:13:10 PM) baskin: “OO OOO better plan”
(04:13:23 PM) baskin: “Instead of having brakes they;’ll have to use their toes”
(04:13:31 PM) baskin: “No straps or buckles either”
(04:13:39 PM) AlmightyMobile: “YOU. MAGNIFICENT. BASTARD.”
(04:13:43 PM) baskin: “And we’ll make them do it all head first”
(04:16:02 PM) baskin: this is totally going on teh website

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It is hard for me to say when someone is doing something right sometimes. For all of the time I spend bitching and moaning about how horrible everything is and how awfully everyone is fucking up I seldom take a moment to honor when a guy goes out of his way to make the world a better place. Recently one of those great things did happen and I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate the man for what he did. Ted Kennedy, thanks for dying. You had a pretty rough patch there in the beginning of your political career what with the consistent and unrelenting attempts to strip our freedoms and demoralize the troops but I have to say that the dying thing was probably the best policy you ever drafted.

Who would have thought that you sacrificing your need to breathe would have been a struggling to be heard tone rung on the bell of liberty? Thank you for dying Ted. I’d glad you did. For those of you who don’t know the fat and pathetic waste of skin named Ted Kennedy the only Kennedy that didn’t matter has finally leaped his fat ass off of the mortal coil and I have to tell you that i couldn’t possibly be more happy about it.

None of us can really argue that you died too young. Most of us wished for it awhile ago, like when you killed that hooker, but alas sometimes revenge really IS a dish best served coldly. You finally got your immortality like your brothers. Sure you weren’t killed by the government but you were assassinated by cancer. I also hear nitwits saying that you were larger than life, they are right. You fat bastard you couldn’t have gone soon enough, at least not for me.

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As my first venture into writing for the mass consumption of people with way too much time on their hands, I’ll have to pull directly from what’s been occupying my free time lately; utterly bad media.

When I talk about bad media, I’m not talking about stuff that’s so obviously campy that you know the only explanation is that it was intentional. You know what I mean when I describe that. I’m not referring to Evil Dead, Zombie Strippers or Shoot ‘em Up. I love those movies. I’m not even talking about movies that are so bad they’re funny. An example of this is Snakes on a Plane. The only reason anyone saw that was to hear Samuel L. Jackson say, “I have had it with these mothafuckin’ snakes on this mothafuckin’ plane!” and everyone knows it. If you actually think that was good cinema, you need to kill yourself.

What I’m talking about is just plain bad. So bad that it physically hurts you to watch it. So bad it makes you a danger to yourself and others. So bad that you wish the fabric of space and time would unravel before your very eyes and negate all existence just so you never even had the memory of it. That’s what I’m talking about here. The movie you can’t even sit through after paying eight goddamn dollars for admission and sneaking in your own snacks because you refuse to pay ten bucks for a soda and popcorn. The movie you rent and then destroy so no one else has to suffer it and then you google search for other blockbusters in your area since you can never return to that one again.

The first candidate for this is likely going to cause a shit-storm…or at least it would if this site got any significant fucking traffic. I will say this only once and from then-on the movie shall be referred to in my presence as “That Cinematic Abomination That Shall Forever Go Unnamed.” Ugh…Dune. Excuse me while I smack myself as punishment for breaking my own rule.

Ow.

To be clear, I have yet to read the book, and considering the book is almost always better than the movie, I am willing to accept that this is something I might want to get around to doing in the future and that anything I express here applies only to the movie. Also, the only reason I even watched this movie is because I’m a huge fan of the Spoony Experiment and he references it fairly often. Also an old high-school buddy of mine told me it was a cult classic of some sort. The short version of the movie review can be made in four simple words. Unfortunately, there is no way that the proper amount of emphasis can be applied to those words in text alone, even with size seventy-two bold, italicized and underlined red font and since I’m not a twelve year-old, I won’t do that. I’ll just say it. This movie fucking blows.

The settings and props are laughable and there’s absolutely no way that I can buy this could actually be a far-off planet or a great building and home of a powerful family on aforementioned far-off planet. And the acting is absolutely terrible and is offset by the one person in the cast who can act. Patrick Stewart. …yes, I am dead serious. Patrick. Fucking. Stewart. Is in this goddamn movie. What are you doing, Jean-Luc?! I know this was before Star Trek, but really, I want an answer! If you happen to read this, drop a comment, I beg you. All that side, Picard seems to realize mid-production how bad this movie is and decides that the only way he can protect himself from the inept company around him is to completely shut down his brain when it isn’t his line and then immediately spring back into the scene with his A-game to bring the terrible acting into stark contrast for the viewer.

But the trophy for “Worst Fucking Acting Ever” goes to the man who played Baron Vladimir Harkonnen. This man just sucks. There’s nothing else more fitting. Anything less would be too little mention and anything more would be more than the performance deserves. I’d also like someone to explain to me what the hell those big, flying, magic fetuses on-screen are. I have no idea except that they’re giant mutant aborted babies.

I was hoping I would last long enough to actually suffer through a certain line I was made aware of through the fans quoting it. The infamous Baron Harkonnen, “I will kill him!” just to experience the incredible failure at emphasis there. This might also be due to me randomly skipping five to ten minutes at random when things either got too boring, long-winded or terrible to bear and stopping halfway through because I just couldn’t handle it anymore. So if you’re expecting a full synopsis, go to Wikipedia or something.

The next candidate is an anime. Yes, I watch anime. Deal with it. It’s like anything else; some of it is good, some of it is bad and the rest is nothing special. No, I don’t watch Bleach, Naruto or One Piece and I happen to think they suck. Kind of like the piece of shit I’m about to bring up, which I only even remembered because of SAM, and I seriously debated murdering him in cold blood for bringing it back into my mind.

Koihime Musou is a reimagining of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms where all of the main characters are female instead. It’s another piece of written work I’ve never read, but not even a steaming pile of shit book deserves to be butchered this way. I watched it a long time ago when I was randomly looking through youtube for clips of animes I hadn’t seen yet, hoping maybe something good had come out. I come across seven minutes of the first episode of the show and was actually amused by some of the jokes (such as the lead being rumored to being a great hunter of bandits and a ‘peerless beauty’ and the village elders talking amongst themselves about how plain she looks with her only ten feet away, looking right at them and carrying a fucking glaive. Slick). There’s also another running joke after the first episode about the nature of the relationship of the lead and a young girl she travels with. Everyone they meet is under the impression that the young girl is her daughter, which leads to the lead’s embarrasment and explaining that she’s too young for that to be possible. The immediate assumption after that is that they’re lovers (another character asks which one is the top and the bottom and the young girl, not knowing what’s being asked, replying that if she gets to choose, she’s the top), which is even more embarrassing. I’d say the series was ripe with lesbian overtones if it didn’t contain bold-faced, softcore girl-on-girl porn.

In fact, that was the only thing that kept me going through all 13 episodes of this shit. Early on, the lesbian jokes and girl-on-girl sexual content comes to a peak at Episode four where the lead agrees to sleep with a general to save another friend from execution. While we never get to see any bare naughty bits, it’s pretty damn obvious that there’s finger-banging going on here. If that doesn’t make it clear to you, the general makes it very clear by saying she’s “nice and wet.” So yes, I admit. The idea of seeing more lesbian cartoon sex kept me going. However, there is no more after that. Absolutely none. Oh, there’s the usual fanservice, but you can get that by watching much better shows.

This is what drove me to bury the memory deep into my mind. The idea that not only had I been visually, aurally and mentally violated by this terrible show with bland characters and a story that meanders all over the place and eventually ends up smack dab in the middle of Buttfuck, Nowhere, but that I had willingly sat through it hoping for tits and more cocktease porn like a pathetic fucking teenager because they hit me with the finger-fucking hot chicks in the first couple episodes. But I guess you have to find some way to think happy thoughts and make it all go away. Hmm…happy thoughts…happy thoughts.

…

At least I never saw Twilight.

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So I was thinking about the moment that i decided that I had lost faith in people forever. A lot of people have presented a lot of different theories as to why this happened but basically they boil down to someone must have really hurt me at some point in my indeterminate past. Congratulations and I am glad that absolutely none of you work in the psychotherapy industry. I rage and hate and spin hoping to educate other people into one idea. All of your ideas are stupid.

I became aware that I needed to do what I do now as a project in favor my own stability. Everyone I saw out there in the world had their head’s full of all of these stupid ideas and stupid plans and stupid schemes that basically mounted to power grabs over other people. For all of my bitching and complaining I fully endorse and respect your right to be a total jackass, what I do not respect is your right to forcibly turn other people in to jackasses either supporting or opposing your jackassed viewpoint. While I definitely do not and will not ever respect you as a person I do respect that you are an individual which is more than can be said for the legion of jackasses who definitely do not.

However, people do not want to be free or be individuals. They by and large want to be little jackasses sucking the cock of whatever idea is popular at the moment. They live breed and die creating more jackasses to further take away my right to be free. So here jackass, why don’t you take this advice and run with it. I don’t give a fuck what you think and if you don’t fuck off I am going to show you exactly what I think people like you need. Basically if you don’t think that you own yourself we can’t ever hang out.

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