superangrymonkey

I’m kinda sick of people trying to convince me that there are other things on the internet

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If you’re not upper management for the United Parcel Service, then you can ignore this diatribe. If you are, sit the fuck down and listen the fuck up.

I don’t know if your company policies are just this fucked or if the drivers in the southeast Ohio area are lazy, but I’m sick and tired of having packages of expensive electronics left on my front porch in the middle of the day.

My first problem with this was ordering all the parts for my new computer. To be fair, I ordered them with three day shipping and got them in two. That’s fucking fantastic. Not an ounce of sarcasm rests within those three words. Good work, ladies and gents. Same thing with my most recent online purchase, a MP3 player. I also got this in two days flat as well.

The problem occurred at delivery. The computer parts were delivered in the afternoon(aka broad fucking daylight) and left on the porch when nobody was home. I expected nobody to be home, which is why I left a note for the UPS driver to leave them with my neighbor across the street. I even drew out a simple map. That didn’t matter, though. Twelve hundred dollars worth of electronics just left there with nobody home. Nobody had to sign for anything. No one had to make sure the package was received. Nothing. I understand that the drivers most likely don’t know exactly what’s inside each box, but I think it would be reasonable to assume that when you’re bringing two separate twenty-five pound shipping orders to one residence that there’s a considerable amount of value invested into the contents of these packages and the customer might appreciate it if you make sure that their goods are received in one piece and that they aren’t lost or stolen in transit.

This happened again today when my MP3 player came in. I never would have known UPS even came by if my dog hadn’t gone nuts when the guy came to my door. By the time I shut him up and make it to the door, the driver had already made it back to his truck and started to drive off. No ringing of the doorbell(there was a car in the driveway; obviously, someone’s home), no knocking, no dick.

This is fucking ridiculous. A letter, junk mail, catalogs, I understand. Not a big deal. But this is bullshit. I don’t expect every single driver to know the exact monetary value of the contents of the packages, but somebody, at some level had to have seen what was going where and could have, oh, I dunno, made a note on the packaging? Or something on the piece of paper or screen or whatever where the drivers keep track of what packages go to what house? There’s no way they remember what packages go to what address by memory, they have to have a list somewhere on a clipboard or a computer inside the truck or fucking something similar. How hard is it to specify that sort of thing? Just write “sign” or put a symbol on there.

Fuck’s sake.

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No wasting time, straight into the shitpile.

10 ) High School Musical 3

Only at the ten spot because everything should’ve known this movie would suck, just like the rest of them, but it still sucked harder than half of the actors would’ve had to in order to get any acting work if it wasn’t a Disney Channel Original.

9 ) Madagascar 2

Because it’s like High School Musical 3, except there’s only one preceding film and it’s not as bad.

8 ) Quantum of Solace

I’m so sick and tired of obligatory secret agent stories. They only worked for a short amount of time when they were deliberately cheesy. Once you try to get halfway realistic with them, they just stop making any sense. This one is the worst. Anything I could say is said better by Maddox on The Best Page in the Universe, so just go read that instead.

7 ) Max Payne

At least Uwe Fucking Boll didn’t direct this. If he had, it would’ve had absolutely nothing to do with the original game. The filter on the screen is ridiculous, too. It’s like they’re trying to be Sin City or The Spirit except with just a dash more color when they feel like it. The obligatory bullet-time shots don’t really add anything except busywork for the design team in post-production. The only thing I liked was Mila Kunis. Not because she’s the best actress ever, but because she’s easy on the eyes and helps distract you from all the other uninteresting shit going on.

6 ) In The Name of the King

Fucking Uwe Fuckmothering Boll. I hate this man. With a passion powerful enough to set a tombstone factory made of granite ablaze. The destroyer of all so many video game movies, it’s downright criminal. Michael Friggin’ Madsen couldn’t save Bloodrayne. Neither could Kristianna Loken getting her tits out. Think about that. Michael Madsen’s awesome and Kritanna Loken’s boobs were involved and this movie was still terrible. House of the Dead sucked so hard it had a sequel. Alone in the Dark is quite arguably the biggest cinematic disaster in recent history. The only thing that made this movie not so bad as the rest of his garbage is that Jason Statham is badass in human form.

5 ) Meet the Spartans

Can anything made by these hacks really be considered good? Epic Movie? Disaster Movie? Superhero Movie? Date Movie? This is an entire franchise of incredibly bad fucking parodies and they keep getting away with it. Why? Because people are fucking stupid and they give great head. Only explanation.

4 ) Twilight

Oh, come the fuck on, you knew this was going to be here. I didn’t even have to see it and I certainly didn’t want t0. It gave me bad memories of watching Blood and Chocolate and I had to be restrained by several grown males of relatively equal size and strength as myself so I didn’t caught severe bodily harm and catastrophic property damage to everything and everyone in my immediate vicinity. Nobody has slaughtered vampires this badly before. Not Ann Rice, not Underworld, nobody. If you disagree…well, you’re wrong. They fucking sparkled. End of discussion.

3 ) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

It pains me to even call this an Indiana Jones flick. I used to think that all the Star Wars fanboys hating on the prequels just had a bad case of Nostalgia Goggles, but this is proof that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are really losing their marbles.I mean, Jesus Christ, they actually thought that aliens would be a good plotline relating to Indiana Jones. That’s some fucking broken thinking right there.  Wow, guys…just wow.

2 ) The Day The Earth Stood Still

Holy fucking balls I hate this movie. Hate. Almost as much as I hate Uwe Boll. I never wanted to see this movie, but I did last Christmas when my brother visited. I wanted to see something good like Valkyrie or The Spirit, but no, can’t do that. He didn’t want to see Tom Cruise and he thought The Spirit looked too weird(even though we both thought Sin City was fucking incredible). So he decides he wants to see The Day The Earth Stood Still. I told him he was fucking crazy and requested he rethink this choice. But no, he wanted to see what he wanted to see. I went along with it because he’s my brother and he usually has good taste in movies so who knows, maybe I’d be wrong, right?

No. I was totally, totally right. For those of you that haven’t seen the movie, good. Don’t. The entire idea is that Enviro-nazis from Space come down to save all the earth’s creatures and kill humanity and wipe out all of our creations so the planet can start anew again and heal from us “Destroying it.” That’s right. It’s a movie about alien hippies who are pissed off because we’re ‘raping the planet of it’s love and resources’ and the alien ambassador is Keanu Reeves. Oh, yay. It’s TED. I so wanted to see his face again. What happened to Bill? Oh, that’s right, those movies destroyed his career like they should have done to you. You’ll have to write me a message some day and explain to me how you turned that around/who you rimmed/how you sold your soul to Satan.

To this day my brother still entertains delusions that it’s not that bad. I still call him an asshole for making me lose an hour and forty-four minutes of my life that could’ve been better spent swallowing hot coals.

1 ) Cloverfield

FUCK YOU, J.J. ABRAMS! FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!! I want my goddamn eight dollars and fifty-cents back, you fucking hack! It’s fucking douchebages like you, Joss Whedon and those idiots who write the ‘Whatever Movie’s that are currently killing the movie industry! You donkey-raping shit-eaters are the reason why we get shit fucking movies year after year whose only purpose is to bring in enough people to get back what it cost to produce it with slick trailers!

This. Movie. SUCKED. I want to meet the total fucking jackass who runs around a major urban area still recording everything that’s going on when there’s a multi-story, sea-borne fucking abomination of the animal kingdom tearing down the city…and then feed him to the multi-story, sea-borne fucking abomination of the animal kingdom. Even if someone had that little survival instinct, wouldn’t you think they’d stand in one spot and hold the camera steady just long enough to get a good shot of shot of just what the hell is tearing down the motherfucking Empire State Building?

You make a fucking monster movie and with a big fucking monster with little fucking monsters dropping the fuck off of it that makes people fucking explode when it fucking bites them and the least fucking featured character in the fucking movie is the fucking monster? …THE FUCK?!

Fuck you, J.J. Abrams. You’re not getting a cent from me and if I ever see you in person I don’t think any mortal element, science or amount of manpower will save you from my wrath. Sleep well, cockbite.

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A moment of your moment please.

Well the barrage of “When are you coming back to youtube?” questions has started again. I don’t really have much to say on that subject other than “shortly.” Like there isn’t really a date, time, or concrete anything in mind for when the new show is going to be but I am going to answer some of the most frequently asked questions.

What is the new show going to be about?

Everything is going to be bigger. Bigger, louder, more in your face, funnier, sketchier, and a lot of other -ers that I can’t think of off the top of my head. I have had a lot of time to sit and think of new bits while I was gone and I am planning on unleashing a veritable shitstorm upon my return.

Will the live show on blogTV return?

Yes. Saturdays at Midnight when the show is back on. I’ll let you all know.

Why did you take your suspension laying down?

Because in truth, I fucked up and was really looking for a chance to start over. At first I was pissed off about the whole thing but then I realized that no matter what I thought about how it happened it was probably a good thing THAT it happened. By “fucked up” I mean that I hated a lot of my older videos and I wanted to take the show in this bigger, louder, and funnier direction. It just seemed like some of my older shit was holding me back from doing that. Does that make me happy that it could happen? No. It’s fucked up the way youtube is boning people and putting so much power into the hands of pussies. I should have kept my replies to assholes on a channel other than my main but hindsight is 20/20.

We wanted to fight to get your old channel back.

That isn’t a question.

Oh… uhhhh…. Should we fight to get your old channel back?

If you want to. I doubt it’ll get anywhere. Youtube doesn’t seem to care about the users anymore.

Will you still debate people?

Not on my main channel anymore. I’m going to make a different channel for replies.

What have you been doing?

Writing a novel.

Really?

Yes.

You keep talking about direction what if we liked the old direction?

What direction?

So are you pushing to become one of the new youtube greats?

Fuck no, the show was always supposed to support the website. A better show means more of everything else.

Who’s your deity?

You are Frank, only you, you my big deity!

What about the sock troll?

He’ll be on the new show.

Do you like MCR?

How the hell did YOU get here?

Schedule plox?

When the show starts again it will be up everyday at about 6:00 pm on Mondays through Thursdays. The live show will be on Saturdays. There will be a sort of sketch comedy element involved as the show is going to be less about me screaming and more an exploration of the overall mistake that is my brain. It will be more like the way I see the world and the humor I see in the everyday shit that most people ignore or don’t want to admit.

Terrible Tuesday?

If you insist…

Seasons? WTF??

It’s hard to think of ideas everyday. I know why TV does it that way now. So the show will air in six week stints and have three weeks off at the end of the six weeks.

The live show?

Will still be on… even when youtube is not

We miss you Baskin.

d-awwwww… >.<

When will you be back again?

Soon baby, daddy has work to do.

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