superangrymonkey

Or, as I like to call it:

The movie opens with an old clip of some news anchor saying that people with heart conditions or are easily upset should not watch this. Does that give me an excuse?

The opening credits are set to security tapes of bank robberies. You’re not clever, Michael Moore. After the credits, Michael Moore asks, trying to be poignant, if future civilizations will judge us by youtube videos of cats flushing toilets or people being thrown out of their house because they can’t afford it. Yes, that’s such a terrible thing. How dare they demand to be paid for their product and put “hard-working, middle-class people” out of their homes.

Michael Moore then goes and talks to this real-estate guy in Florida who runs a company called “Condo Vultures.” They deal only with people who buy foreclosed homes; at -GASP- a profit! Oh noes! The editing when they’re talking to this guy is particularly disgusting. I wonder how badly they butchered their interview with this guy to make him look like a total scumbag when he’s just another entrepreneur who’s providing a service that his clients want.

Guess who’s next? Wallace Shawn. Yeah, that’s right. Vizzini from The Princess Bride. Nobody gives a fuck what he has to say about this shit. Fuck you.

And this is just the first 21 minutes of the movie.

To summarize the rest of the bullshit, it includes Michael Moore pulling some small, regional company airline pilots in front of the camera to talk about their low salaries, having clergymen in the catholic church call capitalism a “sin,” invoking WWJD(yeah, seriously), whining that the top 1%  of the population have more than the bottom 95% combined(no fucking shit, Captain Obvious. Grow the fuck up.), going to the capitol to read the US Constitution to look for the part that says the United States of America is a capitalist country and only pointing out the “more perfect union” line and the general welfare clause(you know, one of the big loopholes in the document they use to justify the government doing whatever the fuck it wants?), saying that lack of financial restrictions will cause a crisis in mere years, saying the word “democracy” like it will ward off evil spirits(shaped like dollar signs, no doubt), dragging a grouchy old fuck in indiana who’s having to leave his home because he can’t afford it saying that he understands the people who go crazy and shoot up banks and workplaces with guns and homemade bombs because the people they kill “deserve whatever they get”, calling the “housing crisis” a calculated financial coup de’tat by the big financial companies, driving an armored car around New York to the aforementioned companies to take back the money and make citizen’s arrests, showing a group of people who cut down “for sale” signs off of foreclosed homes and then just move people back in(while the house is still the property of the bank) and surrounded the New York Stock Exchange with crime scene tape.

There is one good part of this movie. Just one. Michael Moore is asking people as they come out of the Stock Exchange to explain what a “derivative” is. When nobody talks to him, he says, “I’m just trying to get a little advice” and someone off-camera responds, “Don’t make any more movies.” That is what we refer to here on the Internet as “being owned.”

Fuck this movie. Fuck Michael Moore.

Oh and before I go, the chick from Paramore(“Who the fuck is Paramore?” I hear you asking. Its okay, they’re not important) accidentally…ugh, “tweeted” her tits. She then claim she “got hacked.” They’re not really worth looking at if you ask me, but I might as well share the lulz. You can find it here: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hayley_Williams

At least its better than watching Capitalism: A Love Story.

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This will be a short one and only happening because of the Nostalgia Chick’s video about pop stars on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com and the fact that I recently witnessed my mother listening to Kesha.

Lindsay(The Nostalgia Chick) says in her video that people who speak ill of pop music typically do so because of its content and its image. This is true, however, in my case, I couldn’t give a damn about that sort of thing. My only concern is whether or not the quality of the music is good. I don’t think I’ll get many arguments when I say that pop music generally sucks and so do the big names in pop music. I can’t be assed to look into all of them, so I’ll just mention my opinions on the current pop stars that she mentioned in her video; Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Kesha(I refuse to spell is with a dollar sign instead of an ‘S.’ Its not happening. I’m also not calling him ‘Flo-Rida.’ His name is fucking ‘Florida.’)

Before we begin, I feel it necessary to establish my standards of evaluation for what is to follow. Considering their music all sucks ass and I care not about what celebrities have to say about much of anything, that leaves one last thing. Are they hot and would I engage in sexual intercourse with them given the chance?

Taylor Swift is just barely legal and not hot. That’s a ‘no.’

Katy Perry is most definitely hot and I would do dirty things with and/or to her.

Lady Gaga is not hot and she’s got a chokeguard(translation:nose) on her big enough to land aircraft on. She also dresses like she’s not from this planet. Pass.

Kesha is not hot, but I’d still hit it…with my car. I hate her. Her music reminds me of what I could produce out of this music-writing program I used when I was homeschooled for a year and a half. Except its worse than that. Her voice alone is annoying as hell. I would rather listen to an audio book of Beowulf read by Fran Drescher with a head cold during allergy season than Kesha singing. Mostly because I would actually fuck Fran Drescher. The only thing Kesha has going for her is that she’s the only one of the list that dresses like a real human being, albeit a trashy one, instead of someone from outer space circa 1956 or a professional bridesmaid(Gaga and Perry for the slow readers). Oh wait, I almost forgot about Taylor Swift. So yeah, she doesn’t even have that going for her.

The only things that kept me going through the pain of so much pop music condensed into a thirteen minute period was the fact that Lindsay Ellis can be pretty damn funny and her friend dancing was kind of hot. So if Ms. Ellis or her associate happen to read this and then find themselves in the southwest Ohio area…leave. Immediately. In fact, why did you come here in the first place unless its September and you can’t afford to go to Munich?

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