Category Archives: Celebrities

Obama’s Grappling With More Than Just His Feelings

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Obama’s still grappling with the gay marriage issue. Yeah, with war in the Middle East, the economy in the toilet, the American ship most definitely sinking, and basically the weight of the world on his talking head shoulders the puppet sitting on the hand of the Master is still wrestling with his personal feelings on gay marriage. You fucker.

Look, let me spell this out for you in no uncertain terms. I’ll even help you out on the issue with a convenient flow chart.

According to this chart pretty much everyone but self loathing faggots can be cool with this. Can we please move the fuck on?

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Instant Messenger Theatre: Episode 2

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(11:40:26 PM) monkey: TWILIGHT NEW MOON IS OWN
(11:40:37 PM) monkey: we should drink a reckless amout of beer
(11:40:42 PM) monkey: -_-
(11:40:49 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Hahaha
(11:41:04 PM) TheAlmightyOne: New Moon is the one you can actually laugh at without commentary
(11:41:36 PM) TheAlmightyOne: It’s not “so bad I want to perforate my eardrums with a number 2 pencil” bad
(11:41:55 PM) TheAlmightyOne: It’s “so bad I’m on the floor laughing at how fucking stupid this is”
(11:41:58 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Bad
(11:43:25 PM) monkey: So this girl is like
(11:43:31 PM) monkey: supernatural platonic whore of the year
(11:43:38 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Hahaha, pretty much
(11:46:18 PM) TheAlmightyOne: How far into it?
(11:47:35 PM) monkey: She told the guy with long hair that he’s beautiful
(11:48:27 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Yeah, that doesn’t help
(11:48:44 PM) monkey: They just fixed two junker motorcycles
(11:48:50 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Ah, okay
(11:48:57 PM) TheAlmightyOne: You missed the most ridiculous part of the movie
(11:49:18 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Where he leaves her and she spends three months tranced out, miserable, doing nothing
(11:49:27 PM) TheAlmightyOne: And shrieks in agony during the middle of the night
(11:50:05 PM) TheAlmightyOne: And her dad just has this look on her face like “you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me”
(11:50:10 PM) monkey: yeah
(11:50:11 PM) TheAlmightyOne: his face*
(11:50:18 PM) monkey: ‘What have I done with my career?’
(11:50:27 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Hahaha
(11:50:58 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Honestly, I think if you put the focus in that story on the dad
(11:51:01 PM) TheAlmightyOne: You could save it
(11:51:32 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Make it a dark comedy
(11:51:37 PM) TheAlmightyOne: With the dad as the main character
(11:51:40 PM) monkey: rogl
(11:51:42 PM) monkey: rofl
(11:51:47 PM) monkey: My daughter the vamper whore
(11:51:57 PM) TheAlmightyOne: See?
(11:52:01 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Could totally be done.
(11:54:12 PM) TheAlmightyOne: And two things could really save it
(11:54:13 PM) TheAlmightyOne: That
(11:54:42 PM) TheAlmightyOne: And instead of it being a real romance, his “family” of vampire have evil eye’d Bella into being their blood doll
(11:55:27 PM) TheAlmightyOne: So her father and all the kids at school who inexplicably thought she was the coolest thing ever on her first day that she ignores
(11:55:43 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Have to save her from the vampires
(11:56:17 PM) TheAlmightyOne: BAM
(11:56:20 PM) TheAlmightyOne: Way better movie
(2/4/2011 12:22:26 AM) monkey: yeah
(12:22:26 AM) monkey: but then it wouldn’t be like
(12:22:26 AM) monkey: gay
(12:22:48 AM) monkey: it would be more like
(12:22:51 AM) monkey: a Lost Boys
(12:22:54 AM) monkey: kind of thing
(12:22:58 AM) monkey: action horror
(12:23:16 AM) monkey: Where would we get the gay?
(12:23:18 AM) monkey: ??
(12:23:20 AM) monkey: WHERE!@:?
(12:23:27 AM) TheAlmightyOne: lol
(12:24:13 AM) monkey: you don’t even know do you faggot?
(12:24:18 AM) monkey: OF COURSE NOT
(12:24:57 AM) TheAlmightyOne: I am a failure as a rewriter
(12:25:01 AM) TheAlmightyOne: Much shame unto me
(12:25:49 AM) monkey: How dare you try to rewrite that literary turned cinematic shitbox into something not cringe-worthy?
(12:28:56 AM) TheAlmightyOne: Fukkin saved

Monday Bad Movie Madness: Delta Farce

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…I hate Baskin.

…I hate this website.

…I hate you all.

This movie was physically painful to watch as well as psychologically taxing. I feel older and less intelligent for having put up this 90 minute cinematic abomination. This movie is the perfect example of a little thing TVTropes likes to call the “Idiot Plot.” It can only occur to begin with because every single fucking character in the movie is a moron.

The only person in the main cast that approaches funny is DJ Qualls, and he still doesn’t get it. The only person in this movie who was funny was Jeff Dunham, who plays himself with a different name for about two minutes. The banditos kidnap him from a hotel in Cancun and make him perform for them at gunpoint with his puppet, Jose Jalapeno On A Stick. Jeff keeps trying to keep his captors entertained while Jose keeps cracking Mexican jokes until the gang’s leader shoots the puppet and Jeff passes out from shock. I hope he got paid more than everyone else in this shitfest did. He was certainly a lot funnier.

At least it didn’t show me Larry’s asscrack…again…

Fuck you, Lionsgate for producing this shit. Fuck you, Bear Aderhold and Thomas F.X. Sullivan for writing it.

And fuck you, Baskin, for making me do this.

I Like It When Oprah Calls Me Big Pappa

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You know, I really need to stop worrying about what’s going on in the world. Its going to give me an ulcer or some shit but I can’t help it. You ever get the feeling when you are reading the news that the world is just a fucking terrible place? I mean if you took the sum of your experience from the media there is not a ray of sunshine to be found, anywhere. The problem that I have with people that live their lives according to what they saw some anchor reporting on the news is the same problem that I have with people who think they know stuff about politics. The news only covers bad shit so you only know half of what is going on. I made a website devoted to this cause and its high time I get back to it.

Take World War II Veteran Norh Robinson. This 84, year old dude is claiming that he is Oprah Winfrey’s own father. Here’s the problem. He’s probably out of his fucking mind. I mean seriously. The dude is most likely losing his shit and sees a famous person and is like, oh I fathered her!!!!111elevenpointone!!! That’s just the thing. I know some people might be thinking that stranger things have happened but really they don’t. They happen only in movies. He’s probably not her daddy, he’s most likely a crazy old fuck. Still, he’s waiting for Oprah to submit to a paternity test and hasn’t gotten a fucking letter back from her.

Uh, Oprah, I know you’re the Antichrist and all and you have a really busy schedule of sucking the intellect and vitality from what’s left of stable society but could you do one decent thing in your life and wrote this old crazy lonely bastard a letter? Shit, you can hire someone to do it for you!

You fucking cow.

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