Little Kids, Puke, And Retarded Employees
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Category Archives: Mental Health
God-fucking-damnit…
So…I was at the Kroger grabbing a few things and as I walk past the seafood section I look to my left and notice that they already have their Valentine’s Day shit out.
Fucking…Valentine’s Day…
You know, I thought New Year’s was the end of it. The end of the Back-to-Back-Holiday-Assault, but I was wrong. Is this how you really want to live your life? In constant, eternal anxiety and commercial browbeating over the next holiday coming up? Do you? If you said “yes”, then please shoot yourself.
And they charge way too much money for this shit they put up there. It’s the exact same crap these candy companies have been putting out for the rest of the year, except now everything’s red, pink and/or heart-shaped. At least if they start putting out easter candy sooner we’ll be able to buy bulk Cadbury eggs, but who’s really jonesing for a gigantic heart-shaped Reese’s cup(except, well, stoners maybe)? And do you know why they do this? Because they know that you are fucked if you don’t(and not in any way that you want). If you have a significant other and it’s valentine’s day, you have to buy her some candy, flowers and do something big(IOW, spend a shit-ton of money) or, guess what? You’re not getting laid(and don’t drop comments or send me emails telling me about how you got laid on valentine’s day without spending money. Good for you; you’re an exception, not the rule).
So here’s my advice, gents. Suck it up. Buy your shit early before they mark the price up the last week or two before the 14th hits and be ready; that, or be ready to do it yourself that night.
Oh, and ladies? I’m onto you bitches, too. You fucking compete with each other about who got the best shit for Valentine’s day. Don’t act like you don’t, I’ve fucking seen it! Every year you get together and you ask each other how it went and where he took you and what he bought for you and the one who got the best date and the most expensive shit pretends like she wishes she got something else the others got so she looks like a good friend with this little fucking smirk on her face. The Smirk of “Ha. I win, bitches.”
Fuck Valentine’s Day.
Monday Bad Movie Madness: Delta Farce
…I hate Baskin.
…I hate this website.
…I hate you all.
This movie was physically painful to watch as well as psychologically taxing. I feel older and less intelligent for having put up this 90 minute cinematic abomination. This movie is the perfect example of a little thing TVTropes likes to call the “Idiot Plot.” It can only occur to begin with because every single fucking character in the movie is a moron.
The only person in the main cast that approaches funny is DJ Qualls, and he still doesn’t get it. The only person in this movie who was funny was Jeff Dunham, who plays himself with a different name for about two minutes. The banditos kidnap him from a hotel in Cancun and make him perform for them at gunpoint with his puppet, Jose Jalapeno On A Stick. Jeff keeps trying to keep his captors entertained while Jose keeps cracking Mexican jokes until the gang’s leader shoots the puppet and Jeff passes out from shock. I hope he got paid more than everyone else in this shitfest did. He was certainly a lot funnier.
At least it didn’t show me Larry’s asscrack…again…
Fuck you, Lionsgate for producing this shit. Fuck you, Bear Aderhold and Thomas F.X. Sullivan for writing it.
And fuck you, Baskin, for making me do this.
Monday Bad Movie Madness: Capitalism: A Love Story
Or, as I like to call it:
The movie opens with an old clip of some news anchor saying that people with heart conditions or are easily upset should not watch this. Does that give me an excuse?
The opening credits are set to security tapes of bank robberies. You’re not clever, Michael Moore. After the credits, Michael Moore asks, trying to be poignant, if future civilizations will judge us by youtube videos of cats flushing toilets or people being thrown out of their house because they can’t afford it. Yes, that’s such a terrible thing. How dare they demand to be paid for their product and put “hard-working, middle-class people” out of their homes.
Michael Moore then goes and talks to this real-estate guy in Florida who runs a company called “Condo Vultures.” They deal only with people who buy foreclosed homes; at -GASP- a profit! Oh noes! The editing when they’re talking to this guy is particularly disgusting. I wonder how badly they butchered their interview with this guy to make him look like a total scumbag when he’s just another entrepreneur who’s providing a service that his clients want.
Guess who’s next? Wallace Shawn. Yeah, that’s right. Vizzini from The Princess Bride. Nobody gives a fuck what he has to say about this shit. Fuck you.
And this is just the first 21 minutes of the movie.
To summarize the rest of the bullshit, it includes Michael Moore pulling some small, regional company airline pilots in front of the camera to talk about their low salaries, having clergymen in the catholic church call capitalism a “sin,” invoking WWJD(yeah, seriously), whining that the top 1% of the population have more than the bottom 95% combined(no fucking shit, Captain Obvious. Grow the fuck up.), going to the capitol to read the US Constitution to look for the part that says the United States of America is a capitalist country and only pointing out the “more perfect union” line and the general welfare clause(you know, one of the big loopholes in the document they use to justify the government doing whatever the fuck it wants?), saying that lack of financial restrictions will cause a crisis in mere years, saying the word “democracy” like it will ward off evil spirits(shaped like dollar signs, no doubt), dragging a grouchy old fuck in indiana who’s having to leave his home because he can’t afford it saying that he understands the people who go crazy and shoot up banks and workplaces with guns and homemade bombs because the people they kill “deserve whatever they get”, calling the “housing crisis” a calculated financial coup de’tat by the big financial companies, driving an armored car around New York to the aforementioned companies to take back the money and make citizen’s arrests, showing a group of people who cut down “for sale” signs off of foreclosed homes and then just move people back in(while the house is still the property of the bank) and surrounded the New York Stock Exchange with crime scene tape.
There is one good part of this movie. Just one. Michael Moore is asking people as they come out of the Stock Exchange to explain what a “derivative” is. When nobody talks to him, he says, “I’m just trying to get a little advice” and someone off-camera responds, “Don’t make any more movies.” That is what we refer to here on the Internet as “being owned.”
Fuck this movie. Fuck Michael Moore.
Oh and before I go, the chick from Paramore(“Who the fuck is Paramore?” I hear you asking. Its okay, they’re not important) accidentally…ugh, “tweeted” her tits. She then claim she “got hacked.” They’re not really worth looking at if you ask me, but I might as well share the lulz. You can find it here: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hayley_Williams
At least its better than watching Capitalism: A Love Story.
The Worst Movies of 2008
No wasting time, straight into the shitpile.
10 ) High School Musical 3
Only at the ten spot because everything should’ve known this movie would suck, just like the rest of them, but it still sucked harder than half of the actors would’ve had to in order to get any acting work if it wasn’t a Disney Channel Original.
9 ) Madagascar 2
Because it’s like High School Musical 3, except there’s only one preceding film and it’s not as bad.
8 ) Quantum of Solace
I’m so sick and tired of obligatory secret agent stories. They only worked for a short amount of time when they were deliberately cheesy. Once you try to get halfway realistic with them, they just stop making any sense. This one is the worst. Anything I could say is said better by Maddox on The Best Page in the Universe, so just go read that instead.
7 ) Max Payne
At least Uwe Fucking Boll didn’t direct this. If he had, it would’ve had absolutely nothing to do with the original game. The filter on the screen is ridiculous, too. It’s like they’re trying to be Sin City or The Spirit except with just a dash more color when they feel like it. The obligatory bullet-time shots don’t really add anything except busywork for the design team in post-production. The only thing I liked was Mila Kunis. Not because she’s the best actress ever, but because she’s easy on the eyes and helps distract you from all the other uninteresting shit going on.
6 ) In The Name of the King
Fucking Uwe Fuckmothering Boll. I hate this man. With a passion powerful enough to set a tombstone factory made of granite ablaze. The destroyer of all so many video game movies, it’s downright criminal. Michael Friggin’ Madsen couldn’t save Bloodrayne. Neither could Kristianna Loken getting her tits out. Think about that. Michael Madsen’s awesome and Kritanna Loken’s boobs were involved and this movie was still terrible. House of the Dead sucked so hard it had a sequel. Alone in the Dark is quite arguably the biggest cinematic disaster in recent history. The only thing that made this movie not so bad as the rest of his garbage is that Jason Statham is badass in human form.
5 ) Meet the Spartans
Can anything made by these hacks really be considered good? Epic Movie? Disaster Movie? Superhero Movie? Date Movie? This is an entire franchise of incredibly bad fucking parodies and they keep getting away with it. Why? Because people are fucking stupid and they give great head. Only explanation.
4 ) Twilight
Oh, come the fuck on, you knew this was going to be here. I didn’t even have to see it and I certainly didn’t want t0. It gave me bad memories of watching Blood and Chocolate and I had to be restrained by several grown males of relatively equal size and strength as myself so I didn’t caught severe bodily harm and catastrophic property damage to everything and everyone in my immediate vicinity. Nobody has slaughtered vampires this badly before. Not Ann Rice, not Underworld, nobody. If you disagree…well, you’re wrong. They fucking sparkled. End of discussion.
3 ) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
It pains me to even call this an Indiana Jones flick. I used to think that all the Star Wars fanboys hating on the prequels just had a bad case of Nostalgia Goggles, but this is proof that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are really losing their marbles.I mean, Jesus Christ, they actually thought that aliens would be a good plotline relating to Indiana Jones. That’s some fucking broken thinking right there. Wow, guys…just wow.
2 ) The Day The Earth Stood Still
Holy fucking balls I hate this movie. Hate. Almost as much as I hate Uwe Boll. I never wanted to see this movie, but I did last Christmas when my brother visited. I wanted to see something good like Valkyrie or The Spirit, but no, can’t do that. He didn’t want to see Tom Cruise and he thought The Spirit looked too weird(even though we both thought Sin City was fucking incredible). So he decides he wants to see The Day The Earth Stood Still. I told him he was fucking crazy and requested he rethink this choice. But no, he wanted to see what he wanted to see. I went along with it because he’s my brother and he usually has good taste in movies so who knows, maybe I’d be wrong, right?
No. I was totally, totally right. For those of you that haven’t seen the movie, good. Don’t. The entire idea is that Enviro-nazis from Space come down to save all the earth’s creatures and kill humanity and wipe out all of our creations so the planet can start anew again and heal from us “Destroying it.” That’s right. It’s a movie about alien hippies who are pissed off because we’re ‘raping the planet of it’s love and resources’ and the alien ambassador is Keanu Reeves. Oh, yay. It’s TED. I so wanted to see his face again. What happened to Bill? Oh, that’s right, those movies destroyed his career like they should have done to you. You’ll have to write me a message some day and explain to me how you turned that around/who you rimmed/how you sold your soul to Satan.
To this day my brother still entertains delusions that it’s not that bad. I still call him an asshole for making me lose an hour and forty-four minutes of my life that could’ve been better spent swallowing hot coals.
1 ) Cloverfield
FUCK YOU, J.J. ABRAMS! FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU!!! I want my goddamn eight dollars and fifty-cents back, you fucking hack! It’s fucking douchebages like you, Joss Whedon and those idiots who write the ‘Whatever Movie’s that are currently killing the movie industry! You donkey-raping shit-eaters are the reason why we get shit fucking movies year after year whose only purpose is to bring in enough people to get back what it cost to produce it with slick trailers!
This. Movie. SUCKED. I want to meet the total fucking jackass who runs around a major urban area still recording everything that’s going on when there’s a multi-story, sea-borne fucking abomination of the animal kingdom tearing down the city…and then feed him to the multi-story, sea-borne fucking abomination of the animal kingdom. Even if someone had that little survival instinct, wouldn’t you think they’d stand in one spot and hold the camera steady just long enough to get a good shot of shot of just what the hell is tearing down the motherfucking Empire State Building?
You make a fucking monster movie and with a big fucking monster with little fucking monsters dropping the fuck off of it that makes people fucking explode when it fucking bites them and the least fucking featured character in the fucking movie is the fucking monster? …THE FUCK?!
Fuck you, J.J. Abrams. You’re not getting a cent from me and if I ever see you in person I don’t think any mortal element, science or amount of manpower will save you from my wrath. Sleep well, cockbite.